Oh those evil evil crows! They are here again. Everywhere. One. Two. Three. Many. Oh so many! What’s with them gathering in nowhere land?
Attending black magic festivities, orgies, sacrifices, watching movies, nibbling popcorn?
Are they normal? As opposed to me?
They are always here. Same spot. You could adjust all variables of the world around this black constant.
One looks at me. As if questioning my existence. Or my motifs.
‘GO TO HELL!’ I hurl, I fight, unleash the terror that has been bestowed upon me. The terror I fled from.
The bird is not scared at all. To Hell with it!
It seems puzzled for a brief moment. Then it continues birding around.
Turns to the left. To the right. It hops and searches for food. Or worms. Dead bodies. Or something. Then it looks back at me.
So predictable. So annoying. Just like him.
Waiting waiting beating beating screaming blame blame. Nothing.
The night is quiet. My heart is not.
‘I could show you something.’ I whisper more to myself than to the feathered spectator. My mind still tightens around the last picture it had to process.
Black black bulb white skin breath shrill silver crimson black
the sound of metal on the cream colored carpet that hushes up
Nothing every happened
No one ever existed
It is just a dream
After all! I am here. Am I not?
The bird is, too.
Or maybe not.
Nothing is anymore. Everything could. Like shadows dancing.
We are 3 feet apart. Me, comfortable in the car, behind the windshield, tears in my eyes, my face distorted from anger and angst. Hands trembling. I must I must
But I cannot. Something keeps me here. On this undulated road towards future, away, away. Away is all that counts. I do not move. Why not? I could go back. Or couldn’t I?
I cannot think. I only feel.
Behind me? I look back…
Nothing. Yet so much.
I freak out. Heart beating fast. Sweating. Salty drops on my lips. Deep in my chest the calm, soothing caressing + gianormous panic cherries on top. They make my body heavy, oscillating, dissonant. I will soon explode. I am sure of that.
The fucking crow still stares at me.
Then it hits me.
‘Is it you?’ I ask.
The crow turns away.
Sable shadows still dance and I still can’t move.
Why did I stop here after all?
Something fires inside me.
I go full speed and drive through them. All flee in panic.
Black beats: Fup Fup Fup.
Is the one among them? Probably. I don’t care. I only see escape. I feel it in my bones now. It is me. Totally. Where did I loose myself? How did this happen? I don’t know. I don’t care. Tunnel view. The end, the light must be in front. I only have to get there. Really fast.
Turn Turn like a washing machine. Is this fun or what?
So this is what it feels like: nothing. Calm. At ease. Peaceful. Shit!
‘Am I dead?’ I ask the crow, her beak so close, her eyes so distant.
‘Where the fuck should I know?’ it snaps at me and hops away. My eyes close and so does everything else.