Monday, 27 August 2012

Here it is!
I apologize for the late post and thank you very very much for your patience.

If you are new to this crap or you forgot what the story was about, you might consider reading The trouble with Kitty – part 1.

 

 

So, Kitty kind of volunteered to prevent hell, as she called this mission of hers. But really, she is a secret goth, an admirer of the institution and the devil is her bff. They are working on this navigation app for ipads to make hell more accessible for humans who don’t have x-ray vision and get lost on their way to the ‘best dungeons ever’ aka monsters with seven arm tentacles, 100% satisfaction guaranteed and all that.
Of course it’s about the money, what do you think! It’s like the new pot for the under-grounders.

Now picture Kitty: the new antihero in a leather suit and guns and more guns, a blade and Manolo Blahnik.

“Kitty, wtf?”
“One word: SALE!”
“Good. Because you’re going to regret it after you set foot on your first zombie. They leak shit….”
“Oh! Wow! Oh! Ok! I guess I cooooouhould wear ugly boots IF they are all sprayed glowing NEON (glitter shining neon shit) with Hello Kitty designs and all that…’
‘You do that Kit-Kat,’ but she hates it when I call her that way so we fight a little and scratch our eyes out and pull out hair and suck blood and then everything is ok, like with siblings just more lethal. But what do I know, only child that I am…

Later Kitty and I were talking on the phone and I asked her if she practiced some moves, did some boxing or whatever she thought best for heroes to know.
And she was all ‘Weeeell, no, not exactly THAT, but I bought that new pink Alexandre nail polish that goes so well with the Hello Kitty designs on my boots.’
And I was all ‘Kitty, you’re TOAST.’
And she was all ‘No worries, no worries. The polish dries super quick!’

Apocalypse.

The next day I fly towards the battle field and look for the balloons. There they are, my beloved zombies, waving flags and being ecstatically happy with their huge banners who scream ‘You will all die!’ and I think: they are like children who can get joy from such little things.
So I look for my kind, the V-force but they are not here, what with their imbecile notion of a surprise attack although we discussed tactics like days ago and even marked the ground with red circles and wrote our names in them so we know where to land. But ok, to each his own misconception as I say.

So I patiently wait in my circle and eventually reinforcements are here too and all in place, doing their warm-up, stretching, gymnastics or whatnot when I spot a cute pink van honking and coming to something like an halt.
Out comes Kitty, with a glowing pink box which matches her boots and her nail polish, of course, also perfect for her van. The zombies spot her and the glowing pink box immediately and freak out. They grab the box and tear at it trying to get their contents out. JMUVP (jesus maria’s unborn vampire kitties = vampire version of OMFG) …did Kit-Kat just bring doughnuts with rainbow glaze?

Anyway, we, that is the V-Force members, start performing pee-in-your-pants-kung-fu moves in dry air.

Meanwhile some zombies salivate over the doughnut box and others climb over them to get a few crumbs too or lick the glazing or tear everything apart or see whazzz up anyways somethin’ for free, dude?

All the others who are too slow or dumb or too social just stand there, waiting for the outcome, taking pictures with iphones and publish them on instagram hashtagging them
#zombiefood #zombiPhoneonly #ovaries #makethatbuttongreen #ripmeapart #relax #apocalypse #love #tears #joy #summer #winter #spring #zombieporn.

Hello?!!?

But they are busy liking and sharing and re-twittering so that buys us some more time albeit no doughnuts.
Gee, times really do change: fights used to be more serious but then again they did not have James Cameron who produces serious sci-fi 3D blockbuster shit worth wearing those ridiculous googles on top of your latest Gucci eyewear.

Finally ‘MUAAAAAAAAH! Let’s kill them all!’

So that rang a bell and we start to fight and to kick and between all those zombie idiots dragging their limbs, salivating, the V-force shines with 360° matrix moves slow motion heavy leather coats.
The leather coats are btw totally insane and unsuitably heavy for fighting but we wear it because we are cool and they match ray ban, or at least that’s what I’ve been told by someone who wanted to sell me an entire box of the eyewear replica. He tried to sell me cowshit too, which is supposed to cure rheuma, but that’s not true. Not that I tried.

So back to the slaughter. Darling Kitty is running and passing sandwiches and lemonade and one of the zombies runs to her (if that’s possible at all) and I fear the worst but then he’s like ‘Do you have veggie too?’ and Kitty’s all ‘Sure, but that’s double price for you shit-heads’ and he’s all ‘Ok, deal!’ and I stare in disbelief and amazement while a zombie gives me the face slap of my unlife.
I hit the ground and with me my fire circles, which are sci-fi weapons that don’t belong here but totally come in handy, so why the fuck not. The fire circles go like

and fry everyone who tries to approach me. Except vampires, of course. They are programmed to ignore dark forces of evil, fighting for justice. Yeah, easy like that. Just ask a programmer! They’ll figure out a way and if it’s just to later sell the product to facebook.
So Kitty looks down at me and I’m all ‘What the f*** Kitty?’ and she’s all ‘Money rules the world’ and Lucas who is still engaged in fighting is all ‘You’re dead meat!’ from somewhere behind the fire rings and I’m all ‘Can someone please rewind?’

But that was a bad idea.

Suddenly, Kitty throws a silver ball in the air and the whole space-time continuum ripples and warps and what it does when you don’t look at it and we’re all back to the point where Kitty’s van enters the scene with Kitty coming out of it all shining with neon stuff and glitter and proclaims ‘Hello lovelies!’. But she means the zombies who wave their flags at her and get excited.

Kitty is all shiny 80s pop star stuff blowing kisses in the air, but then she is not anymore, there is a plush bear instead, and then she is again blowing kisses and doing some curtsy (wrong century, Kit-Kat!) and then she is not and then she is pretending to fight a duel but stumbles over her feet (probably imitating Bridget Jones) and then she is away and the bear is there and so on.
Suddenly the awkward show stops (funds running dry?) and we get to see a static picture of reality, also there are subtitles for foreigners and some text messages in the right corner:

‘Do you believe in God? If yes, call 911′
‘Who has seen my dog Biscuit? Last seen doing flying stunts over at the zombie celebration.’
‘Bryan, if you read this: Go rub yourself. You retard cow-pig of some alien sort.’
‘Mom, I am a vampire but YOU suck!’

The last one being, of course, mine.

I feel the urge to slap the DVD player in order to proceed, except there is no player and no DVD so I reckon it must be one of those horrible reality tv shows.
Eventually the show continues in regular speed. We all gape at the plush bear in front of the van.
It is too cute to be real.
The zombies seem to be ok though, always have been, even when stuck in the middle of reality. They are always fine as long as there is a slaughter somewhere and an occasion where they can party all day long, looking dumb drinking booze, which reminds me of another species.

Disturbed vampire Lucas is naturally the first to recover from the time ripple shock what with his perception of reality changing from one second to another depending on the mood of this food and his body having adjusted to this requirement over the centuries.

He’s all ‘Who the fuck is the bear?’, and I’m all ‘Can’t you guess?’ and he’s all ‘Kitty, is it you, you dumb creature?’.
A pair of tremendously cute plush paws wave at us and I look at the ground because I figure this is one of those moments when somebody somehow should look embarrassed.
So why the hell not me?

‘What is wrong with YOU?’ Lucas asks the bear and Kitty inside the plush mumbles something but the costume absorbs the sound so Lucas goes over and pulls the costume head off. Kitty’s hair flies to the sky and she inhales deeply.

‘What’s with this stupid costume?’ he asks her again at which Kitty answers ‘I thought you said you LOVE costume’ at which I’m all ‘WHAT?’ and look at Lucas and David looks at Lucas and Victor looks at Lucas and of course, all the Zombies stop dragging their limbs behind and look at him too.

‘Shut up dumby bamby!’ Lucas snarrls.
‘Perverto icognito!’ Kitty shouts.
‘Kitty katty dumb bratty!’ Lucas adds at which point Kitty looks at me because she figured he must have adopted it from me.
But I’m innocent!!!

So I show her my palm and insist ‘Don’t’.
But of course, she does and before she can stick her nails in my face, Lucas grabs her by her hips and lifts her up. Ah! There she goes, flying, flying, still flying. Yep, Lucas is a muscular guy, he can throw a big kitty discus all the way from Houston to Calgary.

‘Lucas darling…’ I start but I don’t get far ‘Don’t!’ he interrupts.

Enter Victor, who is a little slow, what with old age and whatnot, and he kind of tries to catch up as fast as possible. And although everyone knows he oversleeps every fight we pretend to be unsuspecting.
‘I just overheard the most amazing confession, although I can’t remember exactly what it was about. But it had something to do with perverts and costumes. Also cats played a minor role.’ Victor says, ‘And did you guys see that huge bear flying all over the field right into that hay bale? Wow! What a stunt! So dynamic! Didn’t know bears fly, but then again, I never asked any one of them.’
‘That was Kitty, Victor!’ I say and look at Lucas who looks at me.
‘Oh! Is that so? Then I want her in my team! What a bear!’
All the vampires look at me so I figure I have to do something, so I wave back and close my eyes and pretend all this never happened. But Victor insist on having the cat-bear on his team.
‘Well, Victor, ok. Whatever you think best.’ I answer and open my eyes to face fate again.

Kitty is back too, freeing herself from dust and glittering all over.
‘That was FUN!’ she says and gleams like a sun.

And Lucas is like ‘F*** girl, something is not correctly wired in your upper segment’ and David is all ‘Chill’ and smiles and I figure he’s still stuck in the last toothbrush commercial pose they hired him for yesterday.
We now have to resume our fight, but that’s ok, even for Kitty, because she enjoys selling her sandwiches.
So we fight the fight of our unlives, terrible death match never before seen on cable, subscribe to private channel NOW, pay later, stepmom payment ok, even in parts.

Eventually all zombies die, but there are some couch potatoes out there left, so I figure that while we won this battle, our fights will never end.
Kitty sold all of her sandwiches but she said it’s not a good main income what with all those irregular apocalypse dates, just a little additional extra for dope and cosmetics.
At which even scumbag Lucas was relieved because he says ‘one never knows with Kitty, once she get’s something trashy in her brain cupboard and believes it’s do-able to earn a million dollar with sandwiches she’d even organize an apocalypse to make sure there are enough customers.’
And from the corner of my eye I see Kitty who had apparently overheard our conversation.

Blast Lucas!

I can tell trouble awaits us all because her eyes are like totally supernova gleaming and it’s not the new sun implants.
Best case scenario would be that at the next apocalypse she arrives with a convoy of overloaded Euroliners (huge trucks) full of merchandise, all Hello Kitty imprinted. She will sell everything that nobody needs but at half price, so everyone will buy.
I probably forgot to mention, or do I just try to ignore that fact that there was a dark hairy evil creature that came out of nowhere and grabbed Lucas by his shirt, dragging him through the sand, over the hills and so forth. Lucas screamed. That was fun – at least for me and David.

“What was THAT?” Kitty asked.
“A werewolf” I said, calm, relaxed, because the world just got a little better. Like with salted caramel ice cream + hot fudge sauce, just way more real because of all the Lucas-blood everywhere and the shithead gone, hopefully forever.
“Will he be in trouble?” Kitty asked and although I found the question dumb, I guess for her mental state it probably presented a brilliant puzzle of some sort.
“Well, I guess so! If the beast manages to transport Lucas in one part …”
“Oh.” she said and seemed to be a little sad. Maybe one of her fake nails broke.

At least I was happy. And nothing could disturb my bliss. Not even David who asked for a jaw massage because no vampire could bear his stupid fake stuck smile anymore.

Late that night, when everything was good and the world saved (because my rabbits received their carrot treats) and I sat in bed relaxing, waiting for my night meditation, an alarming thought pushed through the mist of my wicked mind.

Of course, it did not get very far at first, but then it took the plane and the taxi and here it was.
And it went like this: “Do we like have werewolves on this planet?”

*

I asked my husband the next morning, but he had no clue “Where the fuck should I know?”
I asked Victor who was all “Well, yes, werewolves and…”
“What?”

“Never mind! I need you for something… Get Lucas for me, will you?”

 

 

Thanks for reading so far :)
What do you think of the graphics?

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