Sunday, 12 August 2012

You weren’t supposed to read.
But hell, you’re like me: spoiled only child, imminent death for any sane thoughts that dare approach, buffeted by life’s sticky sweet condensed milk, stabbed by reality but finally cradled in cozy iridescent nonsense.

You’re about 34, ok make that 24, sounds better, sounds like an age you’ll want to use each year, over and over again. Also at 24 you did not get drunk solely because someone near you whispered ‘martini’ to the waiter. You could take more!
On the other hand, it’s cheaper now in every respect. The lack of life always does that.

So you’re 24, you don’t know what the fuck to do with your life so you start a blog… and you get twitter… and you also have Facebook, but you avoid latter because its crammed with people you know and can testify against you, telling the court that you are really the very image of your blog – fast paced and weird. You also have funny pajamas and a green dragon you smuggle everywhere and snuggle up to before going to sleep. You call him Dr. Cheese. He constantly asks for his own facebook account. You deny but it makes you wonder, you know, if your mental state is catchy. But then again, it could run in the family too.
Airport security loves Dr. Cheese too, you can tell by the way they are always squeezing him when you pass through the check, turning him inside out (he’s a plush hand puppet, SHUT UP! I can smell dirty thoughts) searching for cocaine or built-in explosives. But they totally hate YOU because you get to your knees from laughing so hard what with Dr. Cheese making obscene remarks about this whole insulting procedure. It’s an insider. Don’t get too curious or I might consider quoting.

Of course you like cake! But you never offer anyone any!

These friend-people also know you have a car and a laptop and use both to get as far away from life and obligations as possible…Ok you do the dishes. You also pay taxes. I know that! No need for you to get so excited! Jesus, back off! Take your claws out of my intestines. Thank you!

To sum up: from what I can tell by the description you just gave me you’re a total freak – but what do I know? I might be projecting like society does so often, so I conclude it’s probably ok to project: 7 billion idiots on earth alone can’t be wrong.
There is outer space too, you might object. I know! That’s why I bought a telescope at half the price in the kid’s department. I keep looking but it seems that we idiots are alone. Idioting around I mean.
Maybe I should consider removing the lens cap but the result would be similar if not even more depressing what with certainty being death to all hope.

Furthermore you probably also feel the irresistible urge to sniff in other people’s cupboards. Especially when they are locked and you know that the key is under the floor mat. You know this because you are the one watering everybody’s plants in their absence. Not that you really do your job and water. But at least you take the money. Code of honor and all that.
Like postal office, trains, insurance, you name it… all superb role models who teach you how to do less and earn more. Wait, did I just explain to you the essence of the 80:20 principle? Good, because you don’t need self-help books. You are a natural in everything. You just forgot. So you have to spend your hard earned money on written paper. But not with 80:20. You were a natural right from the start when you were born. Did nothing, came out anyway. That was ’77, in case you wondered. Ok make that ’87, I forgot! Too forgettable to be young!

It was the day the stars cried and the sun darkened, the mountain split in half and god said – ‘Finally! She’s out of my sight! From now on she shall annoy others… Serves them well.’ Of course he forgot that humans don’t live that long and return to him in a jiffy, but maybe that’s the reason he later invented vampires. Or was that Bram Stoker? Never could tell one from the other.

But you have not forgot the 80:20 principle what with lazy sundays and all that.

Anyway, you don’t water, because you are a natural like I told you before, so don’t buy the book. If someone later complains about dying plants you advert them to the fact that they could have paid even more money to make sure that your service is really delivered like registered letters.
That’s part of the 80:20 principle too. It’s written in small letters and you need to sign before you get to read it.
Also the small text is too long and has no TL;DR; (ok I should stop making that joke) so you skip it and agree to sell your soul which weights about 21 grams (as we were told by Guillermo Arriaga in the homonymous movie staring Naomi Watts and Sean Penn).
You also agree to give everyone who is asking access to all your data, which is the solely reason you have an apple iCloud anyway. In addition to that the nice lady from the support is instructed to avoid annoying you at any of your own cost and give everyone access to your account if they ask.

You dream to be hell of a consultant one day. You could tell everybody what they should do to improve which is a very easy task because you only have to tell them that they should do the opposite. -1+1 always equals 0. 1-1 equals 0 too, but you could reveal that the next time when things go wrong.
While they wonder and discuss you would take your break, smoke some wheed, text your concubine and check the latest videos on TED. You would love your job!

But first you need to start small and water the plants.

So you won’t water. But you know where the porn magazines are hidden, so you go check in case you missed an issue. Then you head for the bath where you use all the cosmetics you can find. Now that you stink like hell you wonder what intimate spray is for though, but no, it isn’t to cover the rest of the smells. Although…pfffffff *spray*

Am I drunk?
No, sorry to admit.
But I am caffeinated. Because my best friend taught me how to make hell-good!!! coffee.

Right now some of the readers wait for ‘The trouble with kitty – part 2′ and roll their eyes at what they read instead.
Sorry, but I can’t give you that right now, because I had to write this stuff instead.

Sometimes insanity is one-dimensional, like today, and the road leads towards the sky and up through the black hole where I got lost and looked for a map. I found a towel and an insane guide for galaxy hitchhiking instead. It told me to be prepared and lick my thumb or the like. Anyway I did not get very far because the clock stroke 42 and it wasn’t even a digital one. The earth was blown to pieces. Because it was a computer. And we all know what we want to do to computers every now and then.
Anyway, it is a shame because someone did a good job with the fjords. Also the dolphins were very happy although a robot was not. He was depressed. His name was Marvin. He was oblivious to cake.
And someone prepared sandwiches.
That must have been me.
But now I need a new home, because earth is gone and with it the fjords and the mountains and the geeks and troublemakers and teachers. Of course all the other, normal people too. Let’s not forget them.

So I head for the moon, because I don’t like Mars, too many curious robots searching for water and life and the like. They might be thrilled when they find me, but then again I could be considered weird AGAIN and expelled and forced to lick my thumb which is disgusting.

So goodbye… I am sad because no one wants me but the universe is huge and the whales are too and the dolphins are cheery and my laptop just shut down pretending to be low on batteries, because it hates all products of my imaginations.
I should not take it personal. It’s just another treacherous apple product!

I hope you smiled. At some point or another. Don’t judge too much.

Because you know : Life is a joke, if you don’t laugh you missed the whole point.

Take care and don’t waste your weekend! Do something irrational.

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