Thursday, 2 August 2012

The incident of the pizza
and what a vampire like me learned from it…

Ok. So by now you know that I AM NOSFERATU. Which admittedly is a little inconvenient for me – going public with this catching disease and whatnot. But ok. I will learn to deal with it as I move along, I heard parents do that all the time. And nobody died, which is always a good start for a blood bath of some sort.

Anyway. Today something happened. And it was utterly disgusting so I need to tell you about it!

I went to work.

Ok, that wasn’t it.
I have to think. Which gives me a terrible headache. Be patient. Don’t stare.

So I went to work, which was fine up to the point where I became very hungry. No, I did NOT bite someone and drain his body but instead decided to try pizza.

Now you probably have some questions (vampires? pizza?), which is ok, since that’s what I’m here for: telling you the TRUTH about us mysterious creatures of the night. Or at least something similar to truth, which is usually even better, because more palatable, lovely and whatnot. And by the way – we vampires DO NOT GLITTER! Who the f*** told you that! The idea of glowing skin is fishy. They like own the patent… If we ever dared just to shine a little, they will be all “WOW! Back up nosferati! Or we will sue you and destroy your species like apple tries with samsung.” Do not laugh or underestimate fish! There are BIG fish out there, you know…

SO – to answer the burning question marks on your forehead: Yes, we eat pizza. Almost any kind of food. And we drink. Not only blood. Because WE, and by saying ‘WE’ I don’t want to say you humans didn’t, but I’m glad that you read between the lines, so anyways WE kind of evolved over the centuries which widened the prior narrow good-food list from one single item, aka blood, to a little more, including cake of course.

Not that I do not prefer blood, because I TOTALLY do!! What do you think of me?! Shut up!!
So we now have food, which is blood, humans etc and NEW FOOD which is everything else. Like pizza. Just so you know what I will from now on refer to.

We nosferaturu were, of course, overwhelmed with NEW FOOD because that left us with too many possibilities…Jesus Maria’s unborn vampire kitties! The stress we suddenly faced when we had to figure out what to eat for dinner!
But now we have food inspectors – PHEW – and they chop new food and sauté and grill and whatever they do with it… YUK! The sole idea makes me puke, because I still think it’s totally disgusting, but no one asks me, so let’s move on.

So. These food inspectors aka nosfoodies, as I like to call them, just to illustrate how ridiculous this idea is, are cataloging ingredients and gathering recipes from famous food blogs and they shamelessly post them to their own, nosferatu food blogs. My favorite being ‘blood and chocolate’ which I immediately liked on facebook and I am a follower on twitter and I comment on every post but more to redirect nosferatu traffic to my own site because I still prefer blood to chocolate.
Ironically, my blog is called “cake on the moon” but it is a figure of speech and means “everything good”. So shut up and listen to the important stuff. Which comes immediately, like at the end of the story.

So anyways, today I decided to be nice and social and willing to act human, which is very seldom and I totally need to stress this, because I have a beastly reputation to maintain. It’s kind of a requirement for vampires. Also I wanted to see what it is like to be a real human, work and eat and all that. So I unzipped my evil vampire costume and slipped into the innocent programmer from around the corner suit. And they totally bought it! Ha! And they even allowed me to work, which turned out to be a bad idea, like TOTALLY bad, on a scale from 1 to 10 it was a million billion. BUT ok, ‘always a first!’ I say.

As you might imagine, I was hungry after working one hour because thinking totally drained all the calories of my eternal bacon hip rind. So I chose pizza because I heard it is supposed to make you fat and as I can count I figured that there were seven more hours of thinking to go. Bad! My idea of being a human already sucked. In a bad way. Yes, I totally craved for something to give me my lost calories back. I mean shit! Supercool nosferatu kung-fu moves and all that, no problem, but THINKING. Wow. Who did come up with this suicidal sport in the first place?? The phrase ‘A lot of people die because they know too much’ gained a whole new 4th dimension!

So I went to the kitchen and I put NEW FOOD in the oven, which is kind of weird, you know, we nosferatu are not used to put things in the oven prior to draining, but ok, ‘always a first’ I say.
And then suddently I smell fresh meat and bloood!!!! and the human who is wrapped in said delicious costume comes right around the corner and f***s up right before he starts:

Human: “This stinks like hell!” and I totally disagree, because I was there the other day and it was fun and didn’t stink a bit. Due to air conditioning and stuff. It was also cozy warm and not rainy and clouded, but you know, as I always say – to each his paradise!
The human goes on about how bad this sh** stinks and I am all
Me: ‘Oh yeah! It must be you!’

But he is trapped in this hamster machine called mind and totally ignores me, my snappy comment and my sharp teeth. And he goes on bicycling his nerves to produce electricity or whatever humans do thinking for, keeping the shit in his upper body floor alive and the calories burning. But he has no fat on his hips so I wonder what he does that sport for, so I make a note to ask someone who knows. Bless yellow pages.

So I check if NEW FOOD is brown, because I read it should be, as opposed to proper food with fresh red blood. But the human interrupts me

Human: ‘Something has to be done with this oven! ‘ And I totally agree because I think it should be bigger so I can force his whole body in it and fry it and make human pizza so to speak, which should taste better than my vegetable one. Best of both worlds I think.

Meat with blood continues:

Human: ‘Whenever you guys put something in the oven it stinks like hell and all the floor stinks like hell’. I thought he totally sucked and I don’t mean this in a good nosferatu way but more in a ‘Food should behave properly way’.

And then he goes on about the fact that the safety fuse for the oven had been switched off for a reason and that nobody should cook anymore and that pizzas were disgusting anyway and that he will complain to the management and he said some other things but I don’t remember what because it all became very blurry, what with him talking that fast and all the 60-minute thinking I had performed, so I was totally low on calories and I did not act normal: I threw him the hot pizza in the face. Which I wouldn’t have normally done. I prefer killing the subject or sucking him pale etc, but as I said, it must have been the calories.

So he made quite a scene because of his skin peeling from the hotness (I held the pizza in place) and I was all ‘it sucks to be you’ and he was screaming all the time and that got annoying and all the people who worked there too came running and asked what was wrong but I said ‘I have everything under control‘ in my mesmerizing nosferatu voice which has about the same effect as the jedi mind trick.

And so they all went back and I whispered to the human in aforesaid voice that he was shit, will be shit and should jump out of the window. And he probably did that, because the voice never once failed me, but I wasn’t there to check, because, like I said – I learned that work sucks! And not in a good nosferatu way. So I went home and sat on the floor, limbs outstretched and mouth open dripping blood saliva. Which is good because it means we just overfed with fresh blood (that I btw keep in my fridge).

So, here you go!

You have proof that I AM able to behave human, I do not always bite people, I even worked on a small scale, but I figured next time I should start tiny. Like only peeking into an office where people work and think (in between looking at porn sites, checking private emails and reading blogs or twittering).
Also I should continue looking at photos of new food instead of actually submitting to this new unhealthy lifestyle.

This was reality fiction. Just in case you wondered.

And btw – If you made it this far, you’re cool!!!!! Please leave a comment or write email to let me know (I don’t bite).

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  48. Updating your blog with more information anytime soon? It is extremely helpful for me. I have added your site to my RSS reader.

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  50. luna says:

    Hello Crashley, I loved your comment, thank you very much!

    Weird is no problem, there is a deep abyss of weirdness under my skin like Challenger Deep just without fish but filled with stars and comets and pizza and vampire dreams and freaky human stuff piled on top of a hill of annoyed crushed aliens who dropped by to check my inside because someone kind of spread the blog around and they wondered what was wrong with this human anyway. Now they know, but it’s too late. Because they are low on batteries and slowly stopping to exist, like the duracell bunnies, just a little more grey and not furry and with cat’s eyes. Haha.
    I just truly hope that I will never scare someone off…not in a bad way that is ;)

  51. Crashley says:

    I am not exactly sure what the hell I just read but I know that I loved every bit of it. Please keep it up…and, on the off chance you are holding back, don’t!. Let all the weird come out.

  52. Jeannine says:

    I am looking forward to more musings from your wonderfully twisted mind!

  53. luna says:

    Oh my *** ! 10 likes! And that with no picture and a lot of text and no TL; DR. You just made ma day!

    I LOVE YOU ALL!! Thank you!

    PS – I am writing the sequel right now, hopefully it will be witty and snappy too. But I’m not sure because I have to be

    – brain dead
    – extremely caffeinated
    – someone has to piss me off

    preferably all three, to write in that sarcastic fashion. Which is seldom on weekends.
    But I’m working on it all except the brain dead thing. ;)

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