Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Receptionist: ‘F****!’
Me: ‘Pardon?’
Receptionist: ‘What the hell are you doing?’
Me: ‘I’m sucking all precious blood out of the orthodontist,’ I growl and tighten my grip around the neck. ‘What the hell does it look like I’m doing?’
Receptionist: ‘It looks like you’re sucking all precious blood out of the orthodontist.’
Me: ‘There you go!’
Receptionist: ‘I will call the police!’
Me: ‘I love police! My best food has a police badge on it.’
Receptionist: ‘You are evil!’
Me: ‘You’re smart!’
Of course she isn’t. But one should always be nice to food.

So I was at the orthodontist. And it takes doctors only 5 minutes to know that I suck. I’m the Nosferatu among patients, draining them of their life’s energy, vacuum the essence out of their body. Aka: I ask too many questions and I seldom agree.

Also, instead on concentrating, I imagine too many pink plastic nano things circling in the air and bouncing while doctors keep repeating what is really wrong with me. What has been bothering me since I entered the womb. In a language I do not understand.
I wonder why they use those freaky words that seem to come out of a dictionary for medieval torture devices.

So.

Me: ‘I would like a night guard.’

Then she explains to me to forget what all the other doctors before her said, BECAUSE what I DO need is a lifelong bracket system BECAUSE my front teeth are straight.
And straight teeth are apparently BAD!

Right up to that moment I thought teeth were good when they were straight so I am surprised, but what do I know. I have to remind myself that they own an intelligent degree.
Ok, so do I.

Anyways. She enumerates all the stuff that will have to fit in my mouth and I wonder if this new system will also take over the talking for me. Because that would be strange!!

I also figure that this bracket system will probably pay for the golden puppy bowl she eyed during her last weekend shopping tour in Amsterdam. That or the massage frog.

Me: ‘Let me see your teeth’ because I want to see what I get if I agree to pay for the amazing massage frog.

The orthodontist looks bewildered ‘I have false teeth.’ Then she turns and reaches for a denture model ‘I do not have representative teeth.’

Me: ‘Ah! That must be embarrassing..’
I hope it will take another year or two until this sentence slides out of my mouth too.

So I figure I need to get representative teeth. I wonder if there is a catalog out there for representative teeth and various other body parts.

I probably should get representative breasts too. Not too heavy so my brain does not fall out of my head if I happen to lift something heavy and not too light so that I don’t fall on my back when I look at the sky.

Also I should get a new representative moccha if I want a kid because mine obviously doesn’t produce children. Which was swell until now, but I am sure some smart-ass gynecologist will tell me that this problem has been bothering me all along…

Ok and then I get very angry and bite the bitch which felt very natural by the way and blood was all over the place and brackets and false teeth and whatnot. And that was when the receptionist came in and we discussed this small incident over a cup of coffee and some bloody doughnut.

Ok. That was reality fiction. For those who are not sure…
I should patent this term.

There is no picture because this would have been incriminating. But I might draw an outline of the crime scene these days.

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